First of all, I have a correction to make from my last entry, and apparently I have official proof that I am losing my fucking mind.
I mentioned that Crissy recommended Theo of Golden and Calamity Club. I could have sworn I remembered her telling me about these books while she was eating her gigantic plate of nachos. I can practically picture the entire conversation! Well, after reading my last entry, Crissy informed me that she’s never even read Theo of Golden.
What the fuck?!
Apparently, Crissy DID recommend Calamity Club, and Natalie recommended Theo of Golden. Somehow my brain combined the two, and I have this incredibly vivid memory of a conversation that never happened. I get more and more concerned about myself all the time. My brain is absolute mush.
Anyway, I’m loving the book and would absolutely recommend it. Natalie officially gets the credit for continuing to introduce me to normal books that don’t involve serial killers and murder.
Speaking of Natalie, today is her birthday, and I really wish I were there celebrating with her. She’s treating herself to a fancy sushi dinner before heading to a school board meeting. What an exciting way to celebrate 51! I had so much fun putting together a photo montage for her birthday. Looking back through all those pictures and remembering the things we’ve done together made me so happy. Memories I hadn’t thought about in a while. That’s why I love pictures. I’ve always been the picture taker and I love having all those memories to look back on.
Anyway, it’s Wednesday. Hump day. And it’s been a weird one.
Camping last weekend was absolutely amazing. Everything I had hoped it would be. We had a beautiful hike through nature, enjoyed the fresh air, sat around talking and laughing, and spent one night looking at the stars. We didn’t really see any wildlife, but it was just so nice to get away. The RV was amazing. And hilarious. Matt bought an inflatable mattress to put on top of the platform bed, which left approximately ten inches between our faces and the ceiling. You can try to envision that one. But we had such a great time. It was exactly what I needed.
We came home Sunday, and Monday morning I drove Matt to the airport. He’s in North Carolina for work for at least two weeks, and we’re really not sure what that’s going to look like beyond that. He was pretty upset and nervous about going. I’m thankful we had such a fun weekend together before he left because dropping him off Monday morning was emotional. But I really think this could be a great opportunity for him.
He says the city is pretty great. We found him a VRBO in a nice building in what sounds like a popular, up-and-coming area. Apparently, it’s a younger crowd in the building, so I’m sure they’re all going to love the old man who goes to bed at 7:30. The best part is that he can walk to and from work, which I think will be really good for him. A little fresh air and time to decompress every day. I’m hoping he settles in and actually enjoys himself a little.
I also spent some time with Kathy this week before she left for New Jersey. Monday night, I brought the dogs over, and she made bison burgers. Tuesday, she brought a slab of ribs over, we threw them on the grill, and she and George had dinner at our house. She mentioned that she’d recently read my blog and knew I was worried about her. She told me she was going to be okay, and then proceeded to say it through tears. And I know she is. She’s absolutely going to be okay. I don’t question that for a second. I’m just sad that she’s sad. I’m sad that she’s lonely, and I hate that she has to figure out what life looks like without Dad. We’re both trying to figure that out, just in very different ways.
Kathy headed to New Jersey today, and I know the kids are super excited to see her. I picked up George this afternoon, so he’s staying with us while she’s gone.
Which brings me back to my weird Wednesday. I didn’t go to work today. Not secretly as far as work is concerned, but I didn’t exactly announce it to anyone else. I just couldn’t bring myself to get in the shower this morning. I don’t even know why. I just couldn’t. So I piddled around the house, eventually got myself moving and ran some errands.
And then the grief showed up again.
It’s so strange how something completely ordinary can catch me off guard, and suddenly I’m filled with that sadness and anger about missing my dad. Matt had taken Dad’s signature red-and-black coat and green-and-black flannel, and I had dropped them off at the dry cleaners. I had completely forgotten about them, so when I went in and they told me I had something to pick up, I wasn’t expecting it.
And then there were my dad’s signature clothes.
It just caught me off guard. Seeing those familiar things that belonged to him, knowing he isn’t here to wear them anymore. I wasn’t prepared for that.
We had gone through Dad’s things pretty early. Matt took some of his clothes, and I kept a couple of his Bears sweatshirts. Matt also got the tools he wanted from the garage, and a few other people have taken things. Uncle Brad apparently had a field day. Kathy said he took an entire carload and then came back for another! Which actually makes me so happy. I love knowing that Uncle Brad has some of Dad’s things, especially his tools, and that they’ll continue to be used.
Maybe there are some hurt feelings over one of the saws. Patrick, one of Dad’s best friends, was supposed to come over and take whatever he wanted, but we haven’t heard from him. Patrick is the Irishman, an incredible master woodworker and someone who meant a lot to Dad. He’s had a really tough year with his own health, and now his mom is sick back in Ireland. He’s always been wonderful about helping Kathy with things around the house, and he was actually the one who arranged for a priest to come see Dad toward the end. We had also asked him to make Dad’s urn, but lately he’s been MIA. I don’t know what’s going on with him, and I hope he’s okay. I certainly don’t want him to feel hurt or left out.
Meanwhile, Matt is a little nervous about Uncle Brad having that saw, but I think UB is going to get a lot of use out of it. In fact, he’s already helping Kathy with a few things in the new bathroom. There were some things that needed fine-tuning, and rather than putting more on Patrick, Uncle Brad offered to help. He’s a really good woodworker himself. I just love that Dad’s tools are finding their way into the hands of people who knew him and loved him. And Uncle Brad is wasting absolutely no time putting them to work.
When I picked up George, I also picked up Dad’s ashes. I had ordered small keepsake urns for Grace and me, and they’ve arrived at the funeral home, so I’m going there tomorrow to take care of that. It’s still so bizarre to me that these are things I’m doing now. Picking up my dad’s clothes from the dry cleaners. Picking up his ashes. Going to the funeral home to divide them into little keepsake urns. I know it’s part of everything that comes after someone dies, but sometimes I still can’t believe it.
Grace and I are also in an interesting place right now. I’ve always been okay for her. That’s just what I do. I’m Mom. I’m the strong one. But I’ve been struggling with losing my dad, and she’s noticed. She’s been checking on me, asking how I’m doing and showing me a different kind of empathy because we’re both grieving him. It’s hard for me to let her see that I’m not okay. I know she knows it’s okay not to be okay, and I certainly know that too, but knowing it and actually allowing myself to be vulnerable with my daughter are two different things. I still have this instinct to be the strong one for her.
But there’s something really sweet happening between us. She’s an adult now, and our dynamic is changing. She’s concerned about me in a way that feels different. Not that she hasn’t always cared about me, of course, but this feels like we’re meeting each other in a new place, as two adults who loved the same man and are trying to figure out how to live without him. It’s warming my heart a little. I love that girl.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
I’m also feeling anxious about a message I need to send to my friend who’s struggling with her mental health and getting treatment. The situation has become so complicated, and I’m having a hard time figuring out where I stand in all of it. I’ve tried to listen and be supportive, but I’m starting to feel like I’ve been placating her. I don’t want to stand by and watch her burn bridges with people who genuinely love her, and I also can’t ignore it when other people are being hurt or made uncomfortable.
But she’s struggling, and I know that. That’s what makes this so difficult. I’m trying to figure out how to be an honest friend without making things worse. I reached out to her husband because I care about both of them, and I know this is incredibly hard on their entire family. So that’s a work in progress.
I’ve talked before about how weird this age is. It seems like everyone is going through something, and it’s interesting to see how we’ve all changed and evolved over the years. Friendships change too, and sometimes it’s hard to know what’s going on with people. I have to say, I was worried about Donna for a while. She kind of disappeared on us for a bit, and I missed her. But she’s back, and I feel like we’re back to joking around with Mark and being the Three Musketeers again. It just makes me happy to see her happy. With all the tough stuff everyone has been dealing with, it’s nice to have those bright spots too.
Ken is coming down tomorrow for a few days to help me with the dogs while Matt is gone. Between our two and George, we’ve got quite the kennel going on over here. George is not used to being home alone all day.
I also asked Ken to bring my mom’s ashes down because I ordered two additional keepsake urns for her. Hopefully, this doesn’t turn into another ridiculous episode involving me getting ashes in my hair. Yes, that happened. I’m pretty sure I’ve written about that little adventure before. Apparently, handling cremated remains is not one of my natural talents.
I’m also trying to make a point of spending time with people I feel like I neglect. Next week, I’m hoping to catch up with my old friend Dina and have dinner with Drew. I’m looking forward to both.
And then it’s work, work, work until Palm Springs. I still can’t believe I’m going! I feel so special and bougie getting to tag along with Crissy, Kathy and the kids. I’m so excited to spend time with Cal and Mae. They’re so fun, animated and cool, and I’m going to do my absolute best to be the coolest aunt.
We’re also going to Joshua Tree, which I’m ridiculously excited about. I’ve been trying to figure out whether this will actually be my first national park. I’ve been to Mount Rushmore and Devils Tower, but I’m not sure those count as national parks. Either way, I’m pumped. Natalie had wanted to come hike Joshua Tree with us, which would have been so much fun, but we’re only going to be there during the week, so unfortunately that isn’t going to work out. Huge bummer.
But Palm Springs! The kids! Exploring! Joshua Tree! Sunshine! I can’t wait to soak it all in, hang out with everyone and have some fun.
Seriously, how lucky am I?
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