First of all, I have a correction to make from my last entry, and apparently I have official proof that I am losing my fucking mind. I mentioned that Crissy recommended Theo of Golden and Calamity Club. I could have sworn I remembered her telling me about these books while she was eating her gigantic…

I’ve been working. I’ve been functioning. I’ve been getting up, getting dressed, going places and doing the things I’m supposed to do. I can only describe myself as unnaturally okay. But that’s kind of my thing. I’m always fine. I don’t know if that’s one of my better qualities, a serious character flaw or a…

My dad has been gone for five days. I’m probably going completely overboard talking about him. I’ve posted pictures and dedications and remembrances and stories. People are probably getting sick of hearing about Jim Russell. I don’t blame you. You also don’t have to read it. Apparently this is what I need to do right…

My dad, James E. Russell, died this morning, September 6, at 9:43 a.m. I knew this was coming. I wanted it to come because I could no longer stand watching him live in a body and mind that had betrayed him. And yet somehow, when the moment actually comes, knowing doesn’t make you ready. I…

It’s Monday again. I’ve been coming here and jotting things down for the past week or so, which means this will probably be another ramble. Fair warning. Dolly Parton died and it’s just so sad. Tributes everywhere and somehow I cannot believe I don’t own a single Dolly Parton T-shirt. How has that happened? Terry…

Thursday morning I went over to my dad and Kathy’s. Kathy was leaving for her Florida fun trip. Matt came with me because he was installing her new dishwasher and working on the bathroom renovation, and I was there to sit with my dad, get him cleaned up and ready for the day before he…

I am so fucking tired. Not regular tired. Not “I stayed up too late” tired. My body feels slow and sluggish and heavy. Everything hurts. Everything aches. There are mornings when getting my ass out of bed feels like the first major accomplishment of the day, and the day hasn’t even fucking started yet. I’ve…

Kathy had a birthday. We were able to steal her away for a few hours while Michael stayed with my dad. She still carries everything. Working, updating the house, managing my dad, hospice, caregivers, medications and everything else. I tell her to sit down. Rest. Relax. Do absolutely nothing for a little while. She literally…

Taking care of my dad has me thinking about my mom. Not in a nostalgic way. In a guilty way. In a what-did-I-do-and-what-didn’t-I-do way. Watching how present I am with my dad, I find myself thinking about her end of life and how different I was then. How much less present. And it sits with…

It’s been a while. I’ve made attempts to get back here. I have these profound, important thoughts on the drive to work or on the way to my dad’s, things I wish I wrote down, and then the second I actually sit down, they’re completely gone. Every single one. Vanished. Just me staring at a…