This Body is Bullshit

I just realized I haven’t written anything here since January.

That feels wrong. But also accurate.

It’s not that nothing was happening. It’s that everything was happening — and I didn’t have the space or energy or honestly the desire to sit down and put words to it. Life didn’t pause. I just stopped narrating it for a while.

The last few months have been heavy and good, exhausting and meaningful, frustrating and strangely grounding all at once. My dad’s situation keeps evolving in ways that don’t follow rules or make sense. My body is still doing its thing — pain, fatigue, brain fog, all of it. Work has been a lot. Life has been a lot.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, I think I changed a little more.

I’m not as angry as I used to be. Still sarcastic. Still opinionated. Still fully capable of losing my patience. Have I already mentioned that Andrew at work told me I can go from mild to wild real quick. Hilarious! I loved it. Anyhoo, not carrying that constant edge anymore. I don’t have the energy for it. I’ve been more intentional about my time, my people, what I say yes to. Saying no more. Choosing quiet more. Letting some things go that I would’ve gripped hard before. Not because I stopped caring, but because I physically and mentally cannot care about everything at the same level anymore.

I’ve also stopped trying to solve things that don’t have solutions. With my dad. With my health. With what the next version of my life is supposed to look like. I think I’m just living inside it now instead of trying to outrun it.

There have been really good moments too. Trips. Friends. Laughing when I didn’t expect to. Nights that felt normal. Days that felt light. Those matter. Maybe more now than they used to.

So here’s what I’ve been up to.

I went to a drag brunch with girlfriends. So fun, so ridiculous, exactly what it should be. The next weekend we did a full JC Penney photoshoot for Donna’s birthday — because obviously that’s what grown women in their 50s should be doing. The poor kid taking the pictures had absolutely no idea what to do with us. We were awesome. Duh. The pictures turned out amazing.

Then Puerto Vallarta with Natalie. I don’t even know how to summarize it without underselling it. Amazing resort, boat cruise to Yelapa, fruity cocktails, sun, matching pajamas, a pirate cruise, and a Freddie Mercury impersonator who was genuinely so good. Every trip we take we somehow get closer, which feels impossible at this point but here we are.

Then we celebrated my cousin Jennifer’s 60th birthday with Aunt Susie and Maggie — shopping in Andersonville, dinner at Bar Roma, and laughing until we were crying mostly because of these absolutely horrifying wax lips my aunt brought. If that day was any indication, Jennifer’s 60s are going to be her best decade yet.

And then I turned 50.

Which turned into approximately a three-week event. My husband threw me the most incredible party. My friends showed up. The decorations were perfect, the guest list was everything. I’ve had dinners, lunches, brunches, a full day in the city with Grace. I did puppy yoga, tried aerial hammock something, and I now own roller skates.

Fifty is kind of awesome, honestly.

In between all that, real life kept doing its thing.

My girlfriend’s daughter got married — beautiful wedding, great venue — and then midway through dancing they brought in Portillo’s and Rainbow Cone. A chaotic and perfect choice.

We met with elder attorneys. Kathy and I are trying to figure out what the next steps look like for my dad, which is overwhelming in every direction. I stayed with him for a week so she could get a break. We’re looking into adult daycare because she needs real help and I genuinely cannot be there as much as she needs. I do check on him. Spend time with him. Our favorite date is going for ice cream, frozen custard, actually, because his palate is apparently too refined for regular ice cream.

Sometimes he’s sweet and feels like my child. Sometimes he’s an angry asshole. Both are true and both can exist in the same afternoon. I’ve become the one who can usually talk him off the ledge when he gets really confused or agitated by that point Kathy is completely tapped out and I don’t blame her. This disease is brutal and there is barely any information out there. It’s frustrating and scary and I find myself wanting to spread awareness because people just don’t understand how hard this is.

Somewhere in there we did our taxes. We owe again. Shocking.

St. Patrick’s Day came and went, my favorite day, and I barely celebrated. We got out for a couple of hours and that was about it. Felt weird.

And then there’s Uncle Brad, who has been absolutely through it.

He was out fishing with his dog, slipped, hit his head, likely knocked himself out, and woke up in the water unable to get himself out. I cannot imagine that level of terror. His dog Stump jumped in and helped him get to the side. No one else was around. He somehow got himself to the hospital with a broken collarbone and a massive knot on his head.

Stump is officially a hero.

And because that wasn’t enough, Uncle Brad then had to deal with some very unpleasant medical procedures that no man wants to experience. We’ll leave it at that. Everything is benign and he’s on the mend — but come on. Give this man a break. All of this after recovering from sinus surgery.

On my own health front, I had my quarterly Zoladex implant and my first Zometa infusion for bone loss. It actually went well. Shockingly.

I haven’t been to Pilates in months but I’m starting back tomorrow. We’ll see how that goes.

Matt’s birthday is this week — pizza with his mom on his actual birthday, then massages at the spa the next day, which I am very much looking forward to.

Work has been insane. Lose-sleep insane for a stretch there. I got pulled into some executive-level drama I wanted absolutely nothing to do with, but it seems to have settled. The good news is I’m back overseeing my Melrose Park buildings and I could not be happier about that.

So yeah. That’s where I’ve been.

Not because I didn’t have anything to say.

But because I’ve been too busy living it.