I got back from Austin Sunday and I’m already trying to figure out how to go back. What a cool city. Natalie and I ate and explored and laughed and were asleep before 10 every single night like the glamorous women we are. The bed at our hotel was so absurdly comfortable we started calling…

I Just Wanted to Call My Mom Last week I really just wanted to call my mom. We had a complicated relationship, but she loved me — I know that. And I’ve been realizing lately how much I used her as a sounding board. I could call her and bitch and complain and vent about…

The 36-Hour Day I keep having this vision of my dad getting lost in the woods and me having to call everyone I know to organize a search party. My brain just keeps going there — what if this happens, what if that happens, what if he gets in the car and we can’t find…

I had breakfast with my cousin Greg this weekend, which is basically a miracle because the only time I usually see him is at funerals or weddings. He grew up on the East Coast and lives in Florida now. His dad — my mom’s brother — drowned when I was in junior high. It happened…

This morning I dropped Frank off at the vet for his dental procedure and I just wanted to cry. They’re cleaning his teeth, but while he’s under anesthesia they’re also biopsying a lump in his gum that doesn’t seem dental-related. On top of that they’re scoping his esophagus and looking into his sinus cavity to…

I Just Don’t Know Where I Am We have the diagnosis now. FTD — frontotemporal dementia. And somehow having the name makes it worse, not better, because now I’m drowning in questions nobody is answering fast enough. What specific type does he have? What side of the brain is most affected — is this primarily…

A Lot in a Few Days The weeks have been feeling extra long lately. By Tuesday at work I swear it should already be Thursday. This week started heavier than most. Monday we had a follow-up with my dad’s neurologist. After months of questions and watching and not quite knowing, we finally got the official…

Drew I spent the afternoon with Drew because I needed him. I was still feeling out of sorts — tight chest, depressed, stuck in my own head — and he’s just the person I reach for in those moments. The one who grounds you without needing an explanation. That’s a rare thing. Drew and I…

Today Is Hard I was late to work this morning because I couldn’t get off the shower floor. Not because I fell. Just because I sat down and couldn’t make myself get up. My chest was tight. My eyes were full. Everything felt heavy and impossible and I just sat there with the water running,…

Fine People ask how I’m doing and I tell them I’m fine. And mostly I mean it. That’s the complicated part. But here’s what fine actually looks like on any given day: I wake up sore. Not the kind of sore that goes away after you move around — the kind that’s just there, settled…